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Get Some Perspective On Rejection

  1. How much rejection you’re going to experience is largely down to you – you can make the impact of rejection as big or as small as you want to. If a rejection ends up taking over your life and consuming your thoughts, that’s you driving all of it.
  2. It’s you that gets to decide what is and isn’t rejection. The truth is, when you’re rejection inclined, not all of the things that you perceive as rejection are rejection. E.g. Two people engrossed in a conversation while you happen to be in the room doesn’t mean that you’ve been rejected because you’re not in the conversation.
  3. Rejection requires self-esteem to cope with it – you’d be amazed at how much less rejection you think you experience when you actually like and love yourself. This is because when you lack self-esteem YOU habitually engage in self-rejection which is actually far worse than any other rejection you may experience or think you’re experiencing.
  4. Perspective protects your self-esteem which lessens rejection. The amount of rejection you experience is relative to the amount of perspective you have. If you think that you’re experiencing a lot of rejection, it means you have little perspective. I can guarantee you that if you think about everything in relation to whether you’re being accepted or rejected, or keep thinking you’re on the outside, being left out, or ruminate about why you’re not liked by people you may not even like, you have an It’s All About Me perspective.
  5. Everybody experiences rejection in small, medium and large sized doses – nobody is exempt. The great majority of us have been broken up with, experienced disinterest, not been picked for the team, not been successful at a job interview, or had some sort of run-in. The reality is though, yes you can call these rejection if you want to, but if you liked and loved you in the first place, you would not see these situations as equating to you being rejected as a person.
  6. The person who says “You have been rejected as a person”… is you. 
  7. The overwhelming majority of the time, when people choose to opt out of something with you or don’t meet your expectations, which in turn you may take as rejection, it is about them choosing what they do or they don’t want to do, not about Let me find one hundred and one ways to reject him/her. People, as you’ve already discovered through evaluating your own self-esteem perspective, are very caught up in themselves. It stands to reason that if you’re this caught up in yourself and you don’t even like or love you that much, imagine how caught up some others may be? People are caught up in their own lives. Many of us strive to be conscientious, but yeah, some others don’t and when they make their decisions, we can get caught up in them. That’s not you being rejected as a person though.
  8. Isolation, rumination, and stagnation magnify rejection. You rejecting you is all of these things. You languishing on what you feel are the injustices of what ‘everyone’ is doing to you or ‘making’ you feel is rejection. If you don’t want to feel left out or to feel so much rejection pain, STOP with the rejection rumination.
  9. Rejection or should I say experiencing a NO, doesn’t mean that you have done something wrong. Nobody owes you validation or friendship or a relationship or anything. It may feel like you’re really putting yourself out or that you’ve experienced so much that people should say YES, but this is just wholly unrealistic. People aren’t all up in your business. They don’t know that you’ve had issues in your childhood or that you’re very sensitive to certain situations. I watched a reality show a few months ago where the guy asked the girl out to the park…to feed the ducks and she said no. It was bad timing, she was flustered and it was an odd situation, something he’d have realised if he’d stepped back for a moment and looked past his nose. Instead he got really angry and kept saying how he hadn’t done anything wrong and even called her names to his friends. The thing is, nobody said he’d done anything wrong in the first place… other than him. Hard as it may be to hear, it’s an emotionally immature response to take not getting your own way as you having done something wrong.
  10. People just aren’t talking or thinking about you that much. They’re not. To think that ‘everyone’ is talking/thinking bad things about you or even a lot of people is what I call ‘inverted ego issues’. In spite of having low self-esteem, this is where you make everything about you, taking the blame for everything, putting yourself in the centre of everything. It’s like giving yourself inverted delusions of grandeur. If you divided it by at least one hundred, you’d be somewhat closer to the truth. What on earth can you be being or doing that is that interesting? Look at the news cycle – you’ll note that even for the biggest celebrities and the biggest news stories, there are a few days or a week or so when it’s a fever pitch and then people move onto something else. It’s important to ensure that you live by the values you profess to have. Many people with low self-esteem have told me about their frustrations with people who have too big ego’s but even if you’re doing it in the inverted direction, be careful of falling into the same trap.
  11. Rejection removes appreciation – you’ll spend too much time thinking about what you don’t have. Why would you spend your time worrying about why you were ‘rejected’ by someone you don’t actually know or like? Why would you ignore people who are your friends because you find the attention of people who aren’t your friends more valuable?
  12. Rejection is very much about needing to be chosen, even though until you choose you, whatever validation you get out there, it will never be enough. When you do get chosen, it won’t feel valuable anymore. Often you also want to be chosen and included for the sake of it, not because there’s any genuine desire. All we really need to do in life is go about our own business with a few friends – we do not need to be liked by everyone nor can we be liked by ‘everyone’. Think about it – isn’t it wholly unrealistic to expect to be given attention and liked by every single person at your job, university, club, a place that you go etc? Hell, I’m pretty sure that there are members of my family that aren’t too keen on me – trust me, I’m not trying to convince them of otherwise and this is a big move for me considering that I’ve been the Natalie that’s struggled with rejection from both parents. My identity is not tied to my family though. The truth is, I and you do not like all of your family all of the time, nor do I or you like everyone.
  13. If you’re very worried about being rejected, you’re never satisfied. You will even distrust those who do like or love you because you’ll think they’re pretending or are waiting for the catch. Guess what? You are rejecting them.
  14. Focusing on rejection causes you to sell yourself short because you chat too much shite about yourself internally and you limit yourself in the process because you’re trying to minimise more rejection. Time passes, you think the same, you’re doing the same and next thing you wake up and five or ten years have gone by and you have regrets. It’s not that some of these people in your life couldn’t do with changing and aren’t a pain in the bum; what you have to ask yourself is why you would put so much energy into trying to force everyone to see your perspective, to change, to like you, to validate you, when you could have been getting on with your own life and doing it around people that you don’t have to ‘clobber’?
  15. Rejection from parents directly or indirectly, is hard, and I say this from personal experience, but it doesn’t have to define you, not least because when actual rejection happens, it says more about the person doing it than it does about the person being rejected. No child deserves rejection and in actual fact, child or not, it’s not about deserving rejection per se. Some people do not know how to love, to be supportive, to nurture etc., and it can give the impression that there’s something wrong with us – don’t make someone else’s inadequacies, especially your parents, mean that you have inadequacies. You are separate entities and you must not play out your parental issues in the world at large because you’re looking for people to meet expectations that really, only your parents could meet. Even people who have supportive parents struggle with rejection, so it’s our job as grownups to raise ourselves.
  16. Rejection from peers, such as bullying at school can leave a lifelong mark, but it is important to remove yourself from the grip of the bullies and not to continue their work. If you are self-rejecting, you have picked up their baton. People who bully take out their problems and aggression on others, often homing in on those that on some level they envy. They also discover, based on interactions pre-bullying or in how you respond, an Achilles heel of wanting approval and to be liked and they exploit this. Bullies have their cronies or ‘henchmen’ who help to do their dirty work, but they are not liked or loved; they are feared. They are also cowards who end up with their own lifelong problems until they are addressed. If you weren’t supported through your experience, it is all the more important that you support you now and have some compassion for you. You are not a ‘rejectionable’ person nor are you a failure. Stop punishing you for what you think you failed to be or do.
  17. Treat you in the way that you expect others to treat you (i.e. with love, care, trust, and respect) and not only will you stop self-rejecting but you will stop making Other People’s Business about you, and own your own stuff. 
  18. When you start to appreciate who you are and your life, you will realise that when you see that rejection opens the door to new opportunities, you’ll also see that it steers you away from things that further down the line you’ll recognise as not being good for you. I can say with absolute certainty that any rejection I have experienced, it’s a blessing in disguise. I don’t feel that I’ve missed out on a relationship, The Best Man In The Universe, a friend, a job, being liked or whatever. I don’t even feel like I’ve missed out on the best parents. What ‘best parents’?I turn 35 in the summer and my parents have been the same parents to all four of us, all seven if you start throwing in the half sisters. They also don’t have amazing life experiences with me as some’ rejectionable blip’ in their lives. They are who they are, I am who I am, and you are who you are.
  19. You can spend your whole life feeling ‘rejectionable’, wishing for others to be different and even pitying you, or you can choose to hang up your rejection coat and stop looking at life through a rejection lens. You can choose. It is a choice and it’s a choice that you have to make every single day when you are faced with choosing between opting for your comfort zone of defaulting to blaming you and feeling rejection, or choosing to look at and think about things with a modicum of objectivity that takes account of other factors.
  20. You’ll also experience a lot less rejection in life when you own your right to opt out, distance yourself, and to make decisions. When you don’t and you procrastinate and then it all blows up anyway, the sense of rejection is compounded. Don’t trade your happiness for a short-term avoidance gain. You will have gotten over something a lot quicker if you own this right than if you are passive and then feel victimised by your lack of action and other people’s choices.

Think about the subjects discussed here. Do you see yourself in any of these points? What next actions do you think that you could take?

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