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Homework: Validate your concerns that you need to cut contact

checklist imageOver the past few years, I've gathered up a core list of the most common symptoms of relationships and levels of self-esteem that indicate NC being required. If there is just one thing on this list, it indicates that NC is highly likely to be needed, but I have heard from readers who are experiencing almost all 'symptoms'… and there are just over 30 items on the list.

Everything on the enclosed worksheet tells you that you are in an unhealthy relationship that will make it difficult for a 'traditional breakup' to be employed, whether it's down to yours or their actions. Use this worksheet to validate concerns you already have and to open your eyes to behaviour that you may be playing down as a sign of 'love', when it's actually a sign of jealously, possession, manipulation, control etc, which are all forms of abuse. Remember control is not love.

After you have gone through the list, make a note of the appropriate number.

1. This is a one-sided. My feelings are not reciprocated but I am still hanging around.

2. This relationship is conducted on their terms. If I attempt things my way, I’m met with objections, stonewalling, silence, disappearing, or hostility.

3. I feel like I’m losing my mind in this relationship.

4. I’ve tried to break up but they just won’t listen, or I keep going back.

5. I’ve asked them to give me some space and instead they won’t leave me alone.

6. They will not stop calling/contacting me despite repeated warnings to stop.

7. I am considering taking out a restraining order.

8. They blow hot when I tell them that it’s over or that things are not working, and then gradually, or even rapidly, ease down to lukewarm or even cold.

9. There is an absence of love, care, trust, and respect.

10. I am engaging in at best, embarrassing and at worst humiliating behaviour.

11. I feel like I’ve been rejected several or many times but I keep going back.

12. It feels like I have a compulsion, an addiction, to this person and keep returning to the relationship even though I consistently end up disappointed.

13. I have little or no boundaries in the relationship and our dynamic relies on this. If I had more boundaries they wouldn’t be around.

14. They have treated me with disrespect and broken my trust.

15. They are a Future Faker, faking a future with me to get what they need in the present.

16. I regard this person as an assclown, someone who treats me with little or no regard and is using me to serve their own needs.

17. They are devoid of empathy and do not care about the impact of their actions or words on me.

18. I am afraid of this person.

19. They have been verbally or physically abusive.

20. I have totally forgotten who I am, my values, my boundaries, what my needs are, my hobbies, family, friends etc.

21. They don’t and won’t listen to me. They will not take no for an answer.

22. We’ve broken up several times.

23. We’ve broken up at least once before for similar reasons.

24. They promised that things would change after the last breakup but it’s gone back to normal. They may even have done this several times.

25. When I back away from them, end it, tell them to leave me alone, they persist in trying to make contact with me.

26. When we’ve been broken up before, they kept trying to sleep with me.

27. If someone else was describing this ‘relationship’ they ‘might’ call it a booty call or even say it’s not a relationship.

28. They’re trying to continue seeing me even though they’re seeing someone else.

29. I used to be the girlfriend and now I’m the other woman.

30. They’re attached/married, has promised they would leave several times, but hasn’t, but isn’t prepared to end this.

31. I want to move on but I don’t know how to.

Just in case you need any further confirmation that you need to cut contact, what is on the list are just some of the key signs that you need NC because the normal breakup route will not work. This is because either because the person is obstructive or because you already know that you can’t handle ‘traditional style’ breakups as you tend to go back. If there is even just ONE thing on this list, it’s enough of a sign that NC is very likely needed. Really!

Count up how many reasons you have to cut contact - Are you surprised by any of the reasons? If so, why?

Get a pad and pen (I always find writing is more therapeutic) and personalise your reasons, including at least one example for each item. This isn't to dredge up painful memories - it's actually to help you to start feeling all of your feelings and to get realistic about your situation. This list (you can type it up afterwards if it helps), is the list you should and must consult should the urge to contact your ex strike you.

Struggling with understanding a particular reason?