Lesson eleven: Tips For Identifying A Starting Point
Over the next few lessons, I’m going to guide you through the Get Out Of Stuck Process to help you uncover your key beliefs about love, life, relationships and you, so that you can get to the heart of the story you’ve been telling you and identify what’s driving your thinking and behaviour.
You will also find that if you have been struggling to understand why you did something that caused you pain, that you can use this to deconstruct what happened and identify what you thought you were going to gain and what you ultimately ended up punishing yourself with. This will connect you to the flip side and consequences of what we do so that you free you and move on from it.
I’ve put together a Beliefs Brainstorm Worksheet. Use it to connect with your belief system with prompts including “I need to be….’, ‘I must….’ and ‘I can’t’, amongst an extensive list that’s there to help you voice your beliefs. You may be hearing some of these for the first time as some may be deep-rooted. Better out than in – they need to be voiced so that you can know what’s been rattling around inside of you.
Go with the flow and write what comes to you on a sheet of paper. Don’t over edit – you can organise your thoughts later but for now, write whatever comes to you.
What are the rules that aren’t actual rules that are governing your life? Use your answers from the prompt sheet to work out your list of ‘rules’. Which of these rules could you break or chuck out right away? Who made these rules – was it you? Was it your parents? If a rule that isn’t an actual rule has been ruling your life, can you already see where this is tripping you up and causing you pain?
Using the prompt sheet, you can also brainstorm your beliefs focused around topics like yourself (how you feel about you), relationships, sex, how do you feel about conflict, what do you trust that people will or won’t do, what are your beliefs about attraction etc. So for example, you can write down 3-5 beliefs whether they’re good, bad, or indifferent that you hold about yourself, love, or relationships.
E.g. 1) I believe in love at first sight. 2) If my appearance isn’t perfect I will not be able to hold onto a partner. 3) Relationships are very hard.
For help with identifying and organising your beliefs, there’s the Beliefs Brainstorm Worksheet. Use this as a prompt and organiser for your core beliefs on the likes of conflict, relationships, and attraction.
You may also find that it’s handy just to sit down and write down as many beliefs that you can think of and then pick out ones that really resonate with you, are particularly negative, or that you know have previously caused you problems.
Or you can identify an incident that’s influenced your beliefs: Take something that has happened or that you have done which you are struggling to understand and identify the choice you made and why. OR, take something that has happened that has caused you to feel negative about you, love, relationships, or life in general.
E.g. Even though we’d been broken up for several months and I had vowed not to allow this person back into my life when I was feeling very low, I decided to give them a call. I thought they might have changed now that they’ve had some time to think about and miss me. I feel very rejected because they didn’t want the same relationship as me.
The event is that this person got back in touch with their ex, the choice is that they made the call, and the why is that they were feeling low, they believed that this person might have changed, and now they feel rejected. The incident and how you see you in the context of it, tells you about the reasoning you applied to the situation.
Note: When it comes to childhood experiences, more often than not the choices were made for you, so don’t use these for The Incident. Instead, choose the beliefs that you have as a result of the experiences and how they affect you as an adult.