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Lesson seventeen: Process #2 – The Own Your Own & Let Others Own Theirs Transforming Beliefs Process

This process is ideal for any situation where you’re using faulty reasoning to take ownership of other people’s feelings and behaviour. If you’re blaming you for something especially if it’s based on a perspective gained in childhood, this process is very relevant to you.

STEP 1: Write down your belief about you and how it relates to something that happened.

STEP 2: Break down your reasoning – explain the ‘why’ and what happened part in short sentences/bullets. Put down anything that springs to mind that you’ve been pulling in as evidence that your reasoning is correct. Look at the list and separate thoughts from evidence.

STEP 3: When you’re not owning another person’s behaviour, which evidence can be removed from the list? Can they be moved to the other person’s behaviour list?

STEP 4: Rewrite anything where you’re taking ownership of another person’s behaviour and feelings, then attach the real ‘why’ to it.

STEP 5: Which core beliefs and conclusions did you draw about you as a result of owning this person’s behaviour?

STEP 6: Is it fair, reasonable or even accurate to continue holding on to the original belief (#1) with the fresh perspective in #3 & #4?

STEP 7: Distinguish between the original reason and a revised belief based on owning your own and letting others own theirs – What is the opposite/more rational belief?

STEP 8: Now that you’ve separated you from the events (read: ‘evidence’), how can you enhance this revised conclusion?

STEP 9: Which other events did you use this original reasoning for? You can now revise your conclusions on these too and free you up. Go through the steps from this process for each event.

STEP 10: What are the habits that you’ve been engaging in as a result of the original belief in order to ‘fit in’? You can now look at how you can adapt or let go of these habits so that you can support the balanced belief identified in #7.

Also, consider the type of evidence you need to look for to support your new beliefs.

EXAMPLE

STEP 1: Current reason: It’s my fault (the reasoning that ‘makes sense’) that I was inadequately parented (what happened).

STEP 2: I wasn’t good enough. (thought – belief) I couldn’t stop him from drinking. (evidence) He didn’t try harder to spend time with us. (evidence) He left us to fend for ourselves with our mother. (evidence)

STEP 3: He didn’t try harder to spend time with us. (his) He left us to fend for ourselves with our mother. (his)

STEP 4: I couldn’t stop him from drinking becomes He didn’t / couldn’t stop drinking. Why? Because he’s an alcoholic. You’ve now identified the real reason for this piece of evidence.

STEP 5: That if I weren’t inadequate they wouldn’t have been inadequate either. That if I’d been “enough” through trying harder, that he would not have been an alcoholic.

STEP 6: No.

STEP 7: It wasn’t my fault (balanced belief) that I was inadequately parented (what happened remains constant – conclusion of what happened).

STEP 8: It wasn’t my fault that I was inadequately parented. This means that I’m not responsible for my parents. I was only a child, and I wouldn’t blame another child for the same thing.

STEP 9: This means that I’m also not responsible for my ex-partners or the fact that they were unable to deal with their issues with alcohol etc.

STEP 10: I’ve people-pleased in order to influence how they feel and behave. I’ve based my worth on being needed and feeling even more unworthy. I’m going to take responsibility for my own needs. I’m going to seek support for my codependency issues and gain deeper understanding by attending support groups.

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