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Patterns and Why You Need To Discover Yours


If you look back at your relationships and your life experiences, you may be surprised to discover that there is a pattern. We are creatures of habit, which comes as no surprise if like most people you’ve found it hard to break a habit even when it causes you pain. We like to do what works for us, even if what ‘works’ is being in an uncomfortable comfort zone. When you have a pattern, certain actions or situations form part of a regular sequence. It may be obvious or it may be more subtle, but what you will find is there is a ‘theme’ to your life, that there’s a core thread that seems to run through everything, and there is a resounding takeaway message that you have from your life, even if you haven’t realised that you have a pattern. Here are some key signs that you have a pattern:

  • Same type of people, different package.
  • Your relationships end around the same time period or for similar reasons.
  • You feel the same or similar in most relationships / situations even though they all look different to you.
  • You’re able to fly below the radar and not stretch yourself by choosing situations that don’t cause you to risk yourself.
  • You’ve been in a number of unavailable relationships, even if you didn’t think so at the time.
  • You tend to quickly get saddled up into a new relationship or casual arrangement shortly after a breakup.
  • Friends and family can almost guess what you’re going to say when you go to share your latest drama.
  • You feel victimised like everyone is screwing you over.
  • You feel hurt when people don’t do what you expect after you often privately do stuff to shift them to your agenda.
  • You leave jobs or fall out with people for the same reasons or after a similar time period.
  • You have a stock list of reasons why things haven’t worked out that apply to various situations.
  • You fix, heal and help people.
  • You try to position yourself where you can feel in control.
  • You’re going out with someone who is similar to one of your parents/carer or even if they don’t appear to be similar, they actually share the same core issue, for example, emotionally unavailable. They might for instance have a ‘better’ personality, but still withhold their emotions or blow hot and cold. They might not beat the crap out of you, but they’re an alcoholic or emotionally abusive.
  • You try to go out with the opposite to, for instance, your last ex, and then find yourself scratching your head in a similar relationship.

What patterns do without you even realising it, is to keep sending a message. Bearing in mind that a lot of what we do is governed by our beliefs and that we act in line with these, which when unhealthy, create a self-fulfilling prophecy, it’s easy to see how we can unwittingly keep doing the same thing and expecting different results and agree with the message. If a message is sent a number of times, you pay attention and start to give it weight, not realising that the message is coming from your choices not some higher authority. It’s not that life is telling you that you’re not good enough – your choices in variations of similar situations that send a message to you, are telling you to make different choices. It’s critical to start thinking about what your pattern is because we often don’t know our habits until we look at them and you can’t change/adapt your habits if you don’t know what you’re doing in the first place. Find yours and you find a gateway to growth – use the insights you gain to guide you on where you need to go.

  • Look through the list above and see if any of these themes resonate with you.
  • Ask yourself what you keep saying and thinking again and again.
  • Have you ever felt like you’re in Groundhog Day?

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